The temperature was 30 something degrees today and nothing short of cold. I wouldn't trade my dog for the world but I do hate having to go out in the cold several times a day so he can relieve himself. But thinking about all of this, I had taken him outside at one point today and had the thought that I don't remember being bothered by this weather 3 years ago. Surely it was cold, or gray, or overcast. It usually is this time of year. As I brought my dog inside all I could do was laugh a bit and think, Of course I don't remember, the cold was the least of my problems.
I feel as though there isn't anything that can be said that hasn't been already. I miss my mom. I love my mom. I wish she was here but glad she doesn't have to worry about COVID and all the other bullsh*t in this world. I'm happy she's free, she's no longer in pain, no longer limited in what she can do. Just like every year, I have so many things I wish I could tell her.
Alumni weekend was back this year - just in time for her class' 40th reunion. It was just as fun as I remember but could've used her presence. I found her class pictures over and over in her class' window display. They put her name on a sign of 'Fallen Classmates'. It was my brother's first trip to WV without our mom being there and my second. While I missed her something fierce, I know she was able to see and hear the festivities of that weekend in spirit.
I'm working on my graduate project for grad school, naming the project after her dedicating the work to her as well. The project is an AAC application geared towards individuals with speech impairments as well as those that are hard of hearing. I had her in mind for this project because I know before she passed, communicating with her had gone downhill. Naturally I can't help but feel weird about my choice with it all but I've found my time in grad school and my work has been nothing more than a means of keeping her alive. I'm on my way to graduating too. I applied for graduation and wish she could be there. I wish I could send her a link to see me present my graduate project.
Speaking of graduation, my brother graduated law school. At the time when she first went into the hospital, he had started his first semester of law school. It saddens me, and my brother as well, that she didn't get to see all of the great work he did. She would've been his biggest and loudest cheerleader on graduation day. Not to mention he took the bar exam and is now working his first big boy legal job. I told my brother that sometimes I feel this weird sense of pride, more than my usual pride, almost as if she passed it all on to me.
I was diagnosed with ADHD. Wild, huh? I wonder what she would think. Would she be surprised? Not surprised? I know she would be supportive and want to hear more about it. I've learned so much about it and continue to learn more and more each day and just know I'd loop her in on what I find out. I don't know, ADHD has always felt like this thing you only catch in kids and never adults. Even though I have the diagnosis report from a neuropsychologist, it still doesn't feel real sometimes.
Working in accessibility is another thing I wish I could gush about to her. She always said there was something out there for me and she was right. It's weirdly funny that I started in accessibility about 2 months after she died. I went to the CSUN assistive technology conference this year. Hamilton Captel was there and I saw a similar phone to the one her uncle uses. To add to all of this, I lost my job. I have a new one, one I've been in for 2 months. It's genuinely a joy to work in this new job and I feel like I'm given more support. When I lost my last job she would've been person #1 I would've told. I needed a hug so bad that day. I actually considered admitting myself to inpatient which is a first. I think she'd love hearing about the new job and the company. It's for Pluto TV which has a connection (or had) to CBS and you can watch soap operas on demand. Having watched these episodes with her when I was younger makes me so nostalgic.
I started lifting. I guess you'd formally call it strength training but the amount of weight I can lift given I've been at this gym for such a short amount of time is incredible. I think she'd be impressed. One of the coaches always plays Country Roads and I can't help but think it's her. The day I went to the open house it came on and just felt like a sign. Call it weird but that's all I could think about.
Forgot to add to the grad school front but I'll get to present my project at the research symposium for my school too. I know she'd be thrilled about that.
She showed up the day before my birthday. How is that possible though? My brother and I donated her to science and she was finally cremated and sent out to my apartment. Talk about another weird experience. To know I was with her and around her and she was in this physical form that has diminished to ash and bone fragment. There's a tin can, one like you'd put cookies in almost. It's covered in faux gold coloring and inside is a bag with the ashes. The bag is tied together and clamped with a metal tag with an engraved number. On top of the can is a slip, certifying it's the remains of my mom followed by verbiage about when she died and where. This is all placed inside a box with a faux wood covering. Before all of this, we finally attended the "Body Donor Memorial" at the school we donated her to. The one that was constantly pushed back due to COVID.
This was the first year I worked on this date since she passed. I was sluggish. Definitely emotional. Everything felt weird. Like the last 2 years, every vivid detail about the day came flooding in. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, "MY MOM IS DEAD!" but I can't. I still cannot believe she's gone yet I've been going through each day knowing this is my life now. It's weird because the grief will be continuous and non linear but I constantly think about how I've "left her" in 2019. How I'm carrying myself and my life on in years she'll never experience. I often think about how she doesn't know what COVID is?
Maybe there will come a day where I'll write about something else or think about something else. I'd love to eventually write about accessibility but then I wonder if it should be with this blog or if I should make a completely new one.
All that aside, I love you Mom. I hope one day I'll see you soon.